but I will remember you. will you remember me? dont let life pass you by. weep not for the memories..

today I went to a memorial service for our minsters mother, who was 93(?..idk exactly) when she died last week. she was honestly the cutest old lady ever. she would come into macs and buy bingo tickets every night around 5.

i wasnt really sad until i was at the service, and it kind of hit me. I know that everyone says that death is different when it happens to an older person, but no matter how you put, it's still death. it made me sad because i heard about all of these things and famous people she was related to, that I wish she told me about. and then i got sad because she would never be able to tell me the stories i didnt have time for.

so at the lunch after, i started to shake. I dont really know why, I think it was a build up of emotions really. my amazing mother thought it was because I wanted to leave. I really didnt, I wanted to be there. even though I knew I had to work for 9 hours as soon as it was over... I still wanted to stay. but afterwards she told me to say sorry to her for the way I acted. seriously?

I told her it was her fault and that if I was taught to express my emotions when I was younger, maybe it wouldnt have came out the way it did. she pissed me off because she NEVER understands.

STOP SAYING YOU UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU DON'T.

she was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead

uh so, to put it lightly....interviewfail.

Well, it wasn't a complete train wreck, but it wasn't amazing either. I was just a little too shy but that's just the norm with me lately. I need to figure out what I can do that makes myself more outspoken to strangers. I guess I have to gain self confidence... but how? I just find it funny how I realize that Im shy but I still dont do anything about it. i'm pretty amazing.

I really wish that they had a camera in the lobby while I was waiting for them to call me in for my interview. I think if they saw the way that I interacted with the people that receive support there, I would be a shoe in. (does anyone actually use that phrase anymore?) The one time in my life that I actually want to be creeped, and no one creeps me. Go figure.  The thing that is holding me back is that I can drive. There were 6 other girls that applied too, so if they can drive, I'm sure they will be chosen before me. Even though I'm in the DSW program and none of them are, it doesnt really matter... Not for part time, I dont think.I think if I could drive, I would be hired for sure, but since I cant.... blah. And that whole part was filled of complete confusion, yay.

I also hate how I have so much debt that when I get money, it doesnt actually do anything to help me catch up on rent and stuff, i just have to put it right towards my visa and phone bill. 

I'm having major problems again with feeling used, but that has nothing to do with this blog topic, so maybe we'll wait for tomorrow. Aww, see, i'm trying to stay on topic now!

she's some kind of wonderful, you see

my interview is soon. well, not for a couple hours but we have to leave like now. that's what happens when you live far away from everything.

my mom has siked me out i think. she was trying to prepare me what to say, but it just made me more nervous.

i'm nautrally nervous, this isn't going to be good.

she told me to try to hide my awk side as much as possible. which is impossible.

tyler is taking me to my interview even though it's prom tonight and he should be drinking beer all day. what an amazing brother.

i want mcdonalds breakfast. but not really. i just want orange juice and hashbrowns.

wish me luck please.

why dont you like me? why dont you like me? why dont you like yourself?

Hello Stacey:

Thanks for your email and I am happy that you are applying for jobs.

I need to say as well, that you progressed well this semester and you should be proud of your developments.

I would be pleased to be a reference for you. I can be reached through email or at my office phone.

Best of luck and regards to your parents!

Mark

you're underneath my wings so i'll free fall out of the sky

Hilary came over yesterday. I was a little scared to ever do anything with her again, is that mean? I just knew that I really hurt her with the whole choosing to live with Nikki thing over her. I just hate conflict, I knew it would have conflict, so I tried to stay away from it. Can you really blame me? But it was fun. She only brought up the room mate thing once. 

We wereeeeeee going to play rockband but Im guessing Tyler took it somewhere because it wasn't here. And he was at Canada's Wonderland  so I couldnt force him to go get it. Which is okay because I really hate rockband. Well hate isnt the correct word.. Everyone is just like a million times better at it than I am so of course I dont wanna play. Then again,you think I would be used to people being better than me.

I always question peoples motives when they ask to hang out. That's bad isnt it? Well I dont know, it's just really odd. Like having someone that you've known since grade 3 and used to be your best friend just to randomly call you whenever THEY need you. I guess that's what friends are for. I have to stop feeling used.

I told her all about online people and she almost fainted after I told her I've met 6. But it was fun. We are going to chalk sometime soon sooooooo yay?

In other news, I have my interview in 2 days. I still dont have references. I better get on that.

in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

Soooo tired.

Can’t express in words.

but maybe could be expressed in cave painting like the lion king. yeah, i could see that.

last night, i went to bed at 1030 but didnt fall asleep at all. I get too stressed when I have to sleep under pressure. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had to sleep on the couch in the living room, which is pretty much the center of the universe. I heard Tyler come down for snacks like 348343 times, each time he flashed the light on to see if I was sleeping. Around 2, I heard Ray in the kitchen, so I went in to help him. He was trying to open the juice carton, but couldnt so he had holes in each side. It was kinda funny. I then put him back to bed and fed him a banana because I heard his stomach rumble. And around 3, it was storming really bad, so I played with Mapey because he hates storms. I then stayed up for good at 4 and randomally really wanted Special K. Even though ive never had it before, it was a little weird. It was gross though. It really was an entertaining night, just not when I have to work 530-noon30 the next day.

But work was fun, minus the no sleep thing. I like the people that come in the morning because it’s always the older crowd and they are so cute. Lots of people asked me about school and how I did, and I had a little speech prepared for each of them:

“School was really fun, I enjoyed my course and did pretty well. At least I passed everything! I hate the city though, so I’m glad to be home. *more pointless questions* Yeah, I lived 3 blocks from the college. Yeah, I’m looking forward to next year, it’s all co-op though, I only have 3 classes. Yeah, unpaid co-op.”

People said I looked older today? But like a good old. Like my age?

It was probably the fact that I didn’t sleep and looked tired. I guess looking tired= old? It was kind of weird. My neighbour came in and said that they were proud of me. It’s cute because in a little town, everyone raises you, so you have more people to be proud. Which means more money when you succeed. And more glares when you fail.

But me fail?! Pfft never.

Kelly taught me how to say pfft the other day. Apparently, it’s a sound and not a word. I’ve been saying it wrong for all these years.

How embarrassing.

here we go, theres nothing left to lose.

i'm sure you were on the edge of your seat waiting, so I wont hold the suspense any longer. but yeah, I'm sick. it wasnt just the rum talking, sadly. that's okay though.

I'm sooooooooooooooo tired. Part of me thinks I should stay awake because I have to open the store tomorrow at 6, so I can go to sleep early tonight if I make myself suffer now. But apart of me really doesnt care because tomorrow  is future Stacey and she can deal with it tomorrow.

The people from my moms worked called like 5 minutes ago, thus is what woke me up for the 2nd time this morning. They want me to come in next Friday for an interview?? I suck at interviews because I'm known for doing the whole playing with hair, not making eye contact, biting my nails, moving back and forth, and talking in sentences that don't make sense thing..when Im nervous or even when I'm calm actually. EVEN THOUGH, I took an interviewing course at school and uh I got 10.5/15 on my final interview. Wait, that's all? Is that good? So really, theres a 10/15 chance that I'm going to get this job? Haha I dont think that makes sense, but it's my blog so if I dont wanna make sense, Im not going to.

also, I'm really wondering how many people my mom had to hold a gun up to their head in order for me to get this. But, whatever. Everyone who is someone got there because they knew someone. So I'm sorry for using my connections. But yeah, I really want to work there. They promised me I could once I was in school. I'm sure they didnt expect me actually to go to school and go through with it, but whatever. time to pay up bitches. 

all i can say is that my life is pretty plain, i like watching the puddles gather rain

is it sad that i have a major headache and a sore throat but i have no idea if I'm actually sick or if it's from drinking rum last night? even though i didnt have like any, it usually makes me feel sick AS i drink it, not after.  and I do feel like  i licked a toilet bowl and have millions of germs crawling and mating inside of me.  but i'll be pissed off if im sick now, it's from working most likely. i make it sound like im a whore or something and got 'sick' with STD's. oh god.

i said no when they called me into work today for that reason and the fact that america's next top model finale is tonight! I want allison to win, even though they say she looks like a dear in headlights. the other two are just cocky and i cant even remember their names. i love how i watch every epsiode of a show and cant even remember peoples names. like survivor too, it's offically the worst casting job survivor has ever done. like i give a shit who is who anymore.

now excuse me as i go puke.

if i had a million dollars i would buy you a green dress, but not a real green dress, that's cruel.

oh also, after my dad did my taxes a couple weeks ago, he said that I made $11,000 last year. I would seriously like to know where that money went because that's ridiculous. How am I so poor now if I made that?! Oh yeah, college. blahhhhhhh.

shut up and drive?

I REALLY DONT WANT MY DRIVER'S LISENCE. Here's why:

1) It's too much reasonability.

2) I would have to buy gas!

3) What if I hurt someone else?

4) What if I get into 3473743 accidents?

5) What if I CAUSE an accident?

6) What if I fail... horribly?

7) I dont have money for drivers ed anyway, and the people in it will be little teeny boppers who are all excited about driving.

8) I would have to read the hand book. So much work.

9) I wouldddddddddddddd uhhhhh.... yeah, i dont know.

I know that the reason why I dont have a GOOD job this summer is because I cant drive and Seaforth is so small we barely have jobs here. I also know it's apart of the reason why I never do anything with my friends because I felt really bad about calling them to make plans when I have no way of getting there. Paying JUST for gas money only gets you so far. But I dont know. My mom wants to take me next week for me to write my test. Theres no driving involved, so I should be okay. I guess I'll do that part for now and see. I just have this horrible fear of driving that I swear I'm going to break down as soon as I go on the road. And knowing me, I will.

I WISH I COULD BE MORE WITTY IN MY BLOGS.

you dont deserve to be unnoticed

I'm really mean and my voice hurts from yelling so loud, but seriously?

Then again,  I've never been good with controling my emotions because I've always been taught that showing your true emotions is bad. So when I yell and get angry, I go over the top and everything comes out at once. That's what I get for being taught that it's good to hold things inside. But maybe if my parents didn't favourite Tyler and actually showed care and love to me ONCE in a while THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN WOULD IT?

I'm kinda sorry for what I said, but then again, I'm not. Okay, yeah I am.

Macs called me to work from 8-12. It isnt like I had anything better to do but I said no anyway. Honestly, even though I need money more than like anyone right now, I'm NOT going to work like I use to. It was plain ridiculous how I would work 30-40 hours a week and do school. And now I'm so used to being lazy that I don't really want to do anything. Plus I really dont start until May 29th. So whatever. It pissed my parents off that I said no, but I really don't care. 

Instead I went for ice cream with Tyler, and please remind me never to drive with him again. Even though it was hilarious when we pulled up and forgot the windows were open and he was blasting Emienm and then I got out and everyone was like 'uhh wtf.'

He's bonding with me more and even forgave me for telling my mom about his formal date! I think it has a lot to do with me screaming "WHY DONT WE BOND ANYMORE" at him last week. With his response being "WE'LL HAVE ALL FUCKING SUMMER TO BOND." 

Aww I love my little brother. Well when he is honest and not recovering from an hang over..but those are stories for another day.

if she wants to rock, she rocks. if she wants to roll, she rolls.

I'm awake really early for no reason but that's okay. 

I hate how I live in a country that has a good supply of safe drinking water but I'm thirsty all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not taking advantage of the fact that we have water at our convenience. And the fact that even though we have this water, I still am horrible to the enivorment and drink so much bottled water a day. My MOM hides the bottled water from me ever since I got home from school because 'I waste it.' 

Apparently I'm a waste of water now too. I love how I waste a natural resource. I should just stop being picky and drink water from the tap. I have to pee now though. 

falling slowly, eyes that know me

I remember when I first started working at Macs, I would carry my work shirt when I walked up to the store... because I guess I thought if people saw me wearing it, they would make fun of me?  Even though the people that I was passing on my way to the store came into the store on my shift anyway. It's just like now how I won't wear white shoes even though my dad bought them for me because they are too white. So instead I'm wearing my strawberry shoes that are all beaten up.

 Does it really matter? 

Exactly.

But seriously, white shoes? Ew.

Is that shoe racism? oops. 

you say that you got no where you are going to, can I go no where with you?

I just watched saw 2. I was gonna say 'saw saw 2' but reliazed thats just overplayed and annoying. even though, since when dont I re-use jokes? I'm a little scared, I think. But then again, the endings of the movies always makes you unscared and amazed about how you didn't think of that all along. I'm exicted to watch other 3.. but since when do I like scary things?

I'm apparently addicted to blogging again. I blame the fact that I'm out of school now.  I just wanted to warn you that if I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, blame saw. 

also, today was the day that I became addicted to pina coladas. so when i'm really old and still addicted to them, blame Tuesday, May 5th 2009.

so much blame in one little blog.  but um, it's now 1am, so dont worry i'll most likely sleep til 230 tomorrow, so i wont overuse my blog until then.

k goodnight.

i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo

I can't tell if this is creepy or hilarious. I'm thinking that  since there is a site and apparently 18424246 total babies made, it makes it okay. And at least I didn't mate with Chris Brown.

I swear, every baby on the site is JUST as ugly. I have yet seen a cute baby produced from there! 'Cept the baby with Johnny looks just like a creepy doll. And I'm still really confused with the snorkel.... 

i hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold

I can tell that I'm happier because I'm feeling the desire to blog again. The NEED to blog. It's like a little fire burning in my heart, aw. 

So I ended up passing pharm, I'm like 99% sure anyway. But with my luck, they will be like "no  sorry, you were too close to failing, so we are failing you." Is that even possible? Probably not. 

I needed a 70% or higher to pass, and I ended up getting a 71. I hate how I always JUST make things. Fricking giving myself a heart attack at 19. But it's also kinda amazing. 

I decided though, that I'm going to have my mid life crisis at 20. I'm already so worried about my birthday that I never want September to come. Because if you think about it, the first 20 years of your life, you spend in school basically. Well minus like the first 5 were you are learning life skills such as having to wear plastic bags as diapers after the dog eats them all and meeting your siblings for the first time and experiencing a right away hate for them.  So now how well I do when in the next 20 years, is going to judge how good of a life I'll have when I'm 40. I have to get a job that I hopefully can stay at forever, get a house, get married(well in order for that, I'll have to meet someone...) and then have children?! Yeah, I'm totally going to fail this part. 

And now I get to experience life without the walls of a school. Achievements are going to come harder too only because I won't be able to say "oh I passed that exam, be proud of me! give me money." And I can only get so far on the whole "I'm  a college graduate, be proud of me! give me money." I dont really know why I'm ALREADY freaking out about this, but I guess now that school is done, I need to freak out about something, right?

Well really, I won't be done school until I'm turning 21, but it'll still hopefully happen when I'm 20. Which is still gives me all right to be stressed out, thanks.

i've got to breathe, you cant take that from me

i came to 2 conclusions today:

1) that theres no point in hating something that you are stuck with for your whole life, so there's no point in hating yourself. and theres no point in WAITING for change to happen, you have to make change happen.

omg I know! I'm so profound. 

and 2) college didnt really do anything for me 'cept stress me out. it's hilarious because before it started, I was all like "omg Imma make so many new friends and fall in love and get A's" etc etc etc.

in a nut shell- none of that happened. i made new friends for inside of the class room, sure... but not really outside. basically all college did was confirm that the old friendships I had apparently weren't strong enough to last through it. but that's okay. all good things must come to an end, right?

yeah, that's just some totally lame quote that makes all the losers feel good about themselves when their lives come crashing down and they are now at rock bottom. how lovely.

BUT I'm back to working at macs, 12 hours a week...but not til the end of may. this is going to be charming, but it's a start right? 

I'm just really lucky that they dont charge people for air, because i probably wouldnt be able to afford that. 

and on that subject, last night my dad told me to get friends. i then spent like 10 minutes auguring with him that I do have friends...but then realized that if I had ten minutes to waste fighting with him about something that pointless, i obviously dont have a life. but that's k.

then again, I'm basically paying for friendship next year. it's like im a whore, aw. 

I could have stayed where I was living now and save probably $5,000... but instead I'm spending that just because I want to live with friends. I really think it's the best money I've ever spent. I guess we'll see a year from now and see how my check list of what I want from college is going. I really dont care about the A's because if I cant get straight A's when i barely had a social life this year, then I'm not going to be able to get them if I WANT a social life.

but that's k too. see, i'm pretty chill about this whole thing.