Micheal Jackson AND Farrah Fawcett died today... it's random how I feel sad about the death of people that I dont even know.. I barely ever cry even though I seem like an emotional wreck all of the time.

death is sad though even if you dont know the person. and even though we dont notice every time someone dies if they didnt have as big as an impact on the world as these two did, it's still sad when anyone dies. it's just weird how we only seem to notice when the person has an impact. oh god, this new me is really weird.

Edit:
BTW, i totally wrote this before the world went crazy over their deaths, KTHNKS.

no one can find the rewind button, girl. so cradle your head in your hands

I love how people are always just like "if you aren't happy with yourself, just change." they obviously don't know how hard changing yourself is. mainly because all of my problems aren't just psychical, even though psychical change is really hard to accomplish as well. my mom wants me to take some kind of leadership course or something so that I can learn how to be more social. i dont think the problem is really my social skills, because i'm very social with certain people who i actually care about... it's the rest of the world. some people think that i'm a snob because i wont talk to them but it isnt that. it isnt like I dont WANT to connect with people, i do. it's just other people and not coming off as an awkward mess. i think the problem is self confidence, but if i can't be more social without self confidence and I'm not social enough to build self confidence... what the hell am i suppose to do?

you know I could use somebody... somebody like you.

lately at work, I can't focus. I think it's the heat plus the constant butterflies that I've had for the last couple of days. ANYWAY, not getting into that. But yesterday my co-workers boyfriend was waiting for her to finish her shift, and he saw how jittery I was and how I couldn't stop laughing. He asked me if I had been smoking 'the funny stuff' and I laughed at him and said "maybeeeee".. when my co-worker was like 'ARE YOU KIDDING, STACEY'S MOM WOULD STRANGLE HER THROAT.'

I was going to tell her about all the smoking stories my mom has told me that shes done, but I decided against it and just laughed and agreed.

It just makes me giggle how innocent people think I am and how strick they think my mother is.

If only they knew....

i dont know how we are gonna build a castle now...did you want to start again somehow?

have you ever realized that a standardize plastic shopping bag fits a frozen pizza PERFECTLY. isn't that weird?

well i thought it was...

tell your boyfriend if he said he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian, and I aint fuckin scared of him.

I'm watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer lately. After the fair, my friends boyfriends brother (best connection ever) came into the room and was like "I GOT BIT." and out of ALL seriousness I was like 'OH MY GOD, BY A VAMPIRE?" Everyone laughed at me thinking that I was making fun of him, but I was seriously worried. Okay, I was the most drunk I've ever been in my life, BUT STILL. It's the thought that counts. I don't think he ever answered me though..

I sometimes wish that life was a tv show. Because after shit happens, everyone pretends that it doesn't happen. Even the most intense and crazy ass plots only stay around for like 5 episodes MAX. I remember when I was little, I thought everyone in my life were actors and that there were cameras everywhere taping my life. This was BEFORE I saw The Truman show. I know, I was even paranoid when I was 12.

Oh and back to relating life to TV. I also freaked out when they said that their cats name was Harper. I right away thought of Harpers Island.

I really need a life. Stat. But Big Brother is starting again soon... I can't.

a bit unassured, a bit inscecure I climbed up to the top and I saw the world I lacked. and my first stone cracked, foundation collapsed...

I'm sorry that lack of confidence is 'annoying'. I'm sorry that I can't do a lot of things in life because of it.

But you better be sorry for making me this way. It gets hard being apart of every fucking joke even if it's just a fucking joke. "BUT STACEY, YOU ARE SO FUN TO TEASE BECAUSE YOU TAKE IT SO PERSONALLY."

If you know I take it personally, then why do you? Why do you want to hurt someone that bad just for 4 seconds of laughter? Are you seriously that manic? I thought I was over writing journals like this, but apparently I'm not. My self confidence that I already don't have, took a major hurt today. Thanks so ever much for adding to it.

once again it's kinda like a love song. crazy old fashioned love song.

I'm wondering if I should just post this on my facebook and get over it. for the longest time, only selective people have known about my blog. it gives me the freedom to write about what I want and express it in the words that I want. but it really makes me feel like a puss. I should share this with my friends.... I've had it for a year. I'm sure they want to know how they sometimes make me feel and how I feel when they arent around. but then again, I know I would offend people, but is it really nice to me to talk about people and then never give them the chance to read this? I dont know. I'm just scared for their questions when I might not have honest answers. I'll sleep on it and see what I do.

I guess if you are reading this, you know what I decided.

i'm going to soak up the sun

Yesterday when getting my hair cut, the hair dresser told me that my dad was in last week and used the tanning bed?? I was like "you DO know who my father is, right?!" And basically died of laughing. I asked him when he came into work to visit me and he was like 'I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS A BIG DEAL TO BE GOSSIP.' Well not really that loud. He isn't as obnoxious as I am. Is it just me or is the fact that my dad went in a tanning bed is hilarious?! Apparently it's just everyone in the world 'cept my dad who thinks that.

It's memories like these that I want to remember forever.

flicker flicker dim and fade to black

sooo I didnt get the job at my moms work, obviously. It kind of sucks. And the reasoning why I didnt get it sucks too. It wasnt even because I cant drive apparently. She said it was because I was shy and the people I support would eat me alive. YEAH, RIGHT. I KNEW I came off that way though. I was just sooo shy in my interview. And even though the lady said that I was the kindest girl she has ever met and she could tell I had a kind heart, she still didnt hire me. She said that my shyness comes from lack of experience. Seriously? So I guess I havent experience life for the last 19 years. She did say that I was met to work in this field, and that I'm probably better suited off for a group home to start off with. It just kind of sucks because everyone says you need experience but wont even give it to you. Well, she wants me to come and volunteer once a week, where ever I want. My mom said I should do it anyway. So I guess I will. Maybe.

This whole experience wasnt even that good because my mom was far too involved. She was worrying about everything more than I am. I know she means well, but I would rather her not. It isnt really good on my self confidence if I need to have my mother do everything for me in life. Even though, I do.